Shudder…
I just caught part of the opening sequence of SciFi Channels latest heaping pile of B-Movie featuring Robert Picardo, Bill Mumy, and Micheal Dorn, oh and wasn’t that George Takei in the cockpit of the plane with that stunning dialog?
A.I. Assult…
When I flipped onto the movie I was priviledged enough to see some lab coat guy get killed by a giant silver octopus thing that ripped his head right off his body as he mumbled something about its matrix being corrupt…
A few frames later and we see two guys in camo, and two more lab people running in the desert… The Bill Gates wannabe trips and falls and is run throuh by a pole that shot out of the creature. At this point the camo guys decide it would be a good idea to shoot at the giant killer robot. They pull out thier handguns and start firing while urging the remaining lab coat to “get to the vehicle”. After firing off around 70 rounds each without reloading they notice thier handguns do nothing… and start running to “the vehicle” strangly they arrive at “the vehicle” the same time the lab woman does and “the major” gets in the pickup truck cab, and the other two climb in the bed and the chase starts again.
The camo guy in the bed continues to fire off his gun at the killer robot octopus thing constantly.. never needing to reload… I started counting and his handgun fired off 45 more shots that I could count w/o a reload. At this point “the major” suggests that the handgun isn’t working, and they should try a grenade… Truck bed camo dude then tosses an invisible grenade with perfect accuracy from a truck moving at approximatly 40 mph. The grenade lands right in front of the killer webber grill and explodes with a poof. The killer robot rears back all frightened for a split second, then continues its chase. Noticing how effective the grenade was the truck bed camo dude resumes his assult with his magic handgun. He again fires off another 40 or so rounds (He must have used the contra code… up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-start) exactly one second apart. At this they run out of road or something… and “the major” stops the truck. The couple in the bed of the truck pile out and hide behind a rock. “The major” then puts the truck in reverse in an attempt to frighten the robot with his backup lights… or maybe he was trying to ram the robot… the robot of course grabs the truck as if it were a matchbox car and opens it’s uber weapons hatch and fires a “LASER” at the truck. The truck immediatly crushes like someone had dropped a giant wieght on it… then all motion stops except the nifty “LASER” beam. The truck crunches again… more “LASER”, whos sound effect was provided by my old atari 2600…
Cue the horrified lab woman… Followed by the … uh… gruff? camo dude…
Stunning dialog ensues where the camo dude asks the lab woman what can they do to stop these monsters… “You wouldn’t happen to have an A-Bomb would you?” “I left it in my other pants” Oh… lord…
Huh… well… now I guess it’s camo dudes turn to die… Meanwhile the killer robot has gotten bored and wandered off…
“I’ll distract it… you run…” Wow he’s a smart one… Distract it? It forgot about you and is off looking for something much more crafty… like a jackelope or perhaps a cactus…
Camo dude steps out from behind the rock and immediatly starts firing his contra-code handgun… another 10-20 rounds and the robot notices him and turns around… opens its hatch.. and fires off a precision guided blade of doom that rips the camo dudes head off on camera just to show the blood and nerve endings dangling…
“Oh no!!!” cries the lab woman who strangely mistook the suggestion of ‘RUN’ for ‘come here and watch me get killed’…
The robot turns to her… opens its hatch again… and fires off the LASER… The LASER hits the lab girl who screams and turns into dust as she continues to scream for over a second after her body is gone… Oh I get it, it’s an ECHO!!! AHHHH of course… everyones voice echos in the open desert…
Cue the casio keybord theme music for the opening credits…
— update —
I continued watching it… it’s just as bad the rest of the way through it… Of course when ever they need a technical term… they toss in the word “matrix”.
The killer robots are made of an impervious “matrix” of titanium and carbon steel…
I must not forget in order to make the StarTrek cast feel at home, the scientist talks to her computer. “Viewer On…” she says while off camera… Gotta hide the fact that she pushed the power button on the plasma screen…
The weapon designed to kill the robots is a technobabble (say it with me) LASER… that they only have one of…
When carying the technobabble LASER and you get hit by the robo LASER the gun and you blowup… only to be seen laying on the ground in the next frame where your fellow military guy in need of a haircut picks up the apparently self reassembling LASER and fires it…
The killer robots were on their way to austrailia to install their “obedience matrix”… apparently fully powered up… nice killer robot.. you wait here in this box for the duration of your flight… can I get you something? peanuts?
oh of course!! I get it now.. the killer robots were just having an alergic reaction to peanuts… duh… it’s all so clear to me now…
Oh and uhhh… excuse me… WHAT FRIGGING MORON fully arms killer A.I. robots without installing their “Obedience matrix” 1st…
Attention K-Mart shoppers today we have a special on… oh wait that flashing blue lightbulb is “lightning”…
We won’t even get into what is involved when robots are holding hands and are are seen to be “sharing energy information”.
Packing tip: no one on a deserted island needs a flashlight in the middle of the night, its always lit like a backlot… and those hills overthere.. pay no attention to the 50,000 lumen floodlights shining up from behind them… thats just how islands are…
Lets not forget… because of their “reasoning matrix” when you kill one robot’s mate… the other robot gets mad and vengeful and will come after you.
And don’t forget kiddies, when you are on a deserted island once used for a WWII pilots stations… that all pilots stations were turned over to motel 6, to make sure someone mows the lawn, and leaves the light on for you…
Oh and remind me the next time im fleeing an “a-bomb” explosion… that I need to use a civilian helecopter. They are of course shielded from radiation, and unaffected by the EM pulse generated from the explosion. oh and they have magic radios that are crystal clear when talking through said EM blast…
John's Musings 